You know what? No. I am so fucking sick and tired of being the one who is made to feel like this. To the point where when I’m having a good day I can actually speak with people. And when I’m having a bad day I am literally in a homicidal rage while trying not to cry. I hate this. I fucking g hate how much I can fucking feel. It’s not fucking fair, and I’m fucking sick of it. I don’t want to feel anything. I really don’t because it would be so much better then being a fucking mess. A mess where, you have to be careful of how you speak with your mother, you need to watch the pitch the tone your eye contact make sure you’re smiling so you don’t get bitched at and told you’re a failure and that you’re going to end up like your abusive drug addict of a father. Where you don’t want to speak to any of your three siblings because the oldest one of them remembers enough of a childhood to remember but pretends nothing happened and calls you a liar to your face. Where the youngest two don’t remember anything but were raised by someone who taught them how to treat you, like you were garbage a piece of shit nothing to be even looked at. And I’m sick of the fact that as I’m writing this I’m crying. I’m sick of the fact that everything I do is worng, that I’ve got it programmed so fucking deep into my god damn skull that I’m weak, pathetic I should just deal with it, that when I do cry, I’m yelling at myself. Because it’s my fault for being weak. And I’m fucking sick of it. Why is everyone else so much more important then me? Aren’t I a person too? Don’t i get the chance to be selfish on occasion but it’s okay we’ll laugh and do it together. Don’t I get to be treated like a fucking person instead of the oldest, the abused one, the emotionally unstable one. Why the fuck do you think that is?! Why is this my fault?! Why is it always my fault?! What about my mom, my dad, my grandfather and his wife?! What did I do? Because somehow, irrationally, I feel like if I knew I could fix me. And that’s not how a person should feel about themselves. That they need to be fixed. So what does that make me.